1) They’re slow. Not just physically, but mentally. And Isn’t it every mans dream to hook up with an incredibly out of shape ‘tard?

2)They practice even more lax hygienic standards than I do, making me look like a Goddamn socialite in comparison.

3) You even seen a Sloth from behind? Damn. No, for real. Google “Sloth Booty.” It’s so frickin’ hot. It’s like if Angela Lansbury stopped shaving and just got freaky.

4) Let’s face it, we’ve all wanted to do a Wookie, but that’s just suicide. Sloths are a far safer alternative, and have been scientifically proven to be 90% as sexy.

It was the summer of ‘09. I was a mere poof of a man, barely filling out my ass-less chaps and biker mustache. I had decided to be abducted by Somalian Pirates and get dumped in the middle of Goddamn no where when they realized I didn’t have a penny to my name.

“FUCK YOU!” I yelled cheerfully as my comrades drove off with my watch and right pinky finger to mail to my government. They playfully fired one of their AK-47’s in my general direction, but luckily the starvation and environmental poisoning had reduced this particular marksman to a shell of a man who missed me by about ninety degrees and a quarter of a mile. I briefly toyed with the idea of heading back into town to show them why I belonged to the master race and they fucking sucked, but decided against it when I remembered the terrible, terrible sodomy. So I turned around and started marching west.

I stopped for food about 64oo miles later near Brasilia, tired and salty from swimming for the last 87 days, and that’s when I saw him… her… it. The fucking sloth. My first and only love, Gary-gina. Gary-gina (I called it GG for short) looked up playfully from it’s pile of leaves with a come-fuck-me look in his eyes that I hadn’t seen since that horrifying experience in Somalia nearly 6 months ago.

“Come here often?” I asked as I dropped my pants and took the remains of my luck condom out of my wallet. “You know, I’ve used this condom for the first time on everyone I’ve ever made hump to.” GG looked coyly at me, as if to say he didn’t mind that I had defeated the very purpose of a condom and that the zoo officials coming up behind me wouldn’t either.

“Senhor, eu vou ter de lhe pedir para colocar as calças e pisar fora do habitat preguiça.”

“Oh yeah?! Well fuck you too buddy! You can’t talk about GG that way, I’ll piss in your eye!” I took my emergency bottle full of urine and tossed it at the swarthy salsa dancing son of a bitch (it’s the one shot they never expect.)

1) Your average gay is a minority, male, stands seven feet tall, can shape shift, and has a heart as black as coal.

2) When not engaging in sodomy and voting against freedom, your average gay enjoys the destruction of innocence and sneaking into your house and stealing one sock at a time.

3) When cornered, gays can expand their neck skin to three feet and spit a black ichor to blind and convert their attackers to a lifelong butt-fuck fest.

4) While you need to posses the proper genome to be scientifically classified as a “gay,” You can alter your DNA to grant you these demonic powers by simply choosing too.

Gays have the power to destroy childhood; In fact, they feed on spreading their filthy demon seed far into the brains of the child, who will grow up to either join the Taliban or the become a member of the Screen Writers Guild. Either way, they will contribute the downfall of American society.

The first gay was discovered in a small cave in Africa in 1978, kept alive by a primitive IV drip of the tears of American patriots. Rushed to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. After sedating and examining the man, it was discovered that he was nearly three thousand years old, and the progenitor of the gay community. Not realizing the danger this man posed, they left him in a simple hospital room with only one hand chained down and a guard armed with nothing more than a .38. In less than two hours, the King Queen (as he was to be known) had escaped, killing two and infecting nearly thirteen staff members. After having wiped out the Hippie menace, America was ill prepared for what happened next; within two years, the homosexual population in the U.S. swelled from zero to nearly 1.2 million. Although it is thought to be simply speculation, some think that the infection reached as high as the US presidential cabinet. When Carter ran for reelection in 1980, he repeatedly screamed “Stop! Save yourselves! The… infection…” which is highly considered one of the things that caused him to lose to Reagan.

An unknown side effect of the Gay community was their insatiable appetite for brownstones and condos. Many an inner city was destroyed by the pink menace, as they moved in and garishly took control of all-American working class neighborhoods, pushing out a burgeoning black community that was finally getting it’s shit together. By 1983, a new menace was discovered; Gays excreted an incredibly potent amphetamine instead of feces, and it was seeping it’s way into the groundwater, getting hundreds of thousands of inner city youth hooked. When the gays realized that their waste was addictive to regular humans, they snarkily named it “Crack” and sold it as a “drug.”

The Homosexual menace continues to be a threat to American values, and the infection is growing. The virus has split into different families, including “Bi,” “Fag Hag,” and “Liberal.” A conservative estimate is that nearly 60% of Americans are carriers of the gay disease, but it remains dormant in many of them. However, with proper education, it could be possible to create a serum to push back the fudge-packing forever. Until then, if you spot someone you suspect may be a carrier, don’t do nothing. If caught early, Some can be saved by a steady diet of Playboy, chicken wings, and Milwaukee’s Best.

As a devoted journalist, I feel it’s my job to report on the news that the mainstream press is too scared to write about, man. So here are some facts that the MAN doesn’t want you know about White Power.

1) White power was originally a slogan for a toilet bowl cleaner campaign in ancient Babylon, and was immediately seized by those damn kids.

2) Much like the biblical mistranslation of “young woman” as “virgin,” Hitler’s Mein Kampf was also the victim of several mistranslations, including “Fat Chicks” to “Jews,” “Bro’s” to “Master Race,” and of course “Funny hat fridays” to “Economic and military recovery of Germany.”

3) White people suffer from a massive inferiority complex, and compensate by making things up and saying they invented them, like Blood Transfusions, The Internet, and Folk Dancing.

4) The reason Neo-Nazis shave their head is to more closely emulate the White Power mascot, the Beluga Whale. Not many people know it, but over 98% of the money acquired by all white people is to replace their own broken, disgusting bodies with that of a beluga whale.

5) All white people are racists, they just won’t admit it in public, private, or to the lunatic screaming that the jew is trying to steal his heritage.

6) White people often try to associate with Italians, because they live west of the Caucus Mountain range, while in fact Italians are descendants of  Halle Berry and Sean Connery, in the sexiest time traveling accident EVAR.

In short, The good news is that there are now anti-white news sources out there to help combat the spread of pro-Caucasian propaganda. The bad news is that it doesn’t matter, because the Chinese will have you by the balls in about five years.

Let’s face it; living in an apartment fucking sucks. You’ve got at a bare minimum one common wall, and if you’re really lucky, you’ve got three common walls, one of which is the common wall for the side door that people stomp in and out of at the strangest hours (What the fuck is a 7:00 am?!) Life gets even better when you live across from an Ethnic Food Enthusiast: Whether it be a college student living on chinese food, or someone who must be making enough beans to feed a small city-state, the stench of other peoples food fucking up your meager ramen and stale bread diet will haunt you forever. There’s no reason for my twinkie binges to taste like fois gras, but dammit, they do. So, with all of these set backs, you might be asking yourself, “What possible reason could he give that would make me want to move into a cramped, 350 square foot apartment that smells like burritos and despair?” Well my conveniently narrative friend, I have three words for you: Constant Protein Source.

See, I’ve always been a realist; It’s not if we have to resort to cannibalism, it’s when, and I’ve got news for you. You know those kids and wife and dog you love so much and walk and pet and hump (in no particular order?) Yeah, I’m way less attached to them than you, and I’ve been waiting for a chance to gnaw me some meat off them bones for a while now. But, more importantly than my own perverse leanings, when WWZ goes down, the zombies are going to be on the hunt for the peoples. This is a reality that you cannot avoid. To help give me the upper hands, I’ve surrounded myself with an enormous amount of old people for the simple reason that they’re slow, easy to spot, and take forever to chew. Honestly, knowing all this, I don’t know how anyone could even want to live in a real people house.

Plus, I don’t pay for heat.

While shooting up the other day, I received a phone call. I ignored it (you know, because I was strung out.) But, after I came to, I checked my voice mail and was surprised by what I heard. My mother had made pot roast and I had missed it. That was the last straw! I threw my junk in a duffel bag discreetly labeled “PCP” (to throw them off; it was actually heroin) and rushed over to my parents house. I figured I would set fire to the lawn, to show them that it was unacceptable that the time line continued on while I was busy wrestling unicorns and defeating the Corn King in his Kool-Aid Kastle.

An explosion rocked my festiva harder than the Dio tape I had in the stereo.

“FUCK!” It was the Lemurs.

For those of you who don’t live in Africa, there may be some things you don’t realize about Lemurs. They’re bat shit. Like, Imagine one metric ton of bat shit crammed into a four ounce mouse with thumbs. This is the first step to understanding what lemurs are all about. Their thirst for nuts knows no bounds, and they will stop at nothing to gain access to the legumes they crave. Knowing that I was nuttier than squirrel shit, they had timed their attack on my Northeast Wisconsin compound when they knew I was at my most vulnerable; fucked up and alone in a rolling bomb produced by the sexier of the big three, Ford.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my second greatest fear; A lemur with an M67 recoilless rifle and night vision goggles. The goggles were, of course, a decoy. Lemurs can see perfectly due to their ability to use echolocation to find their pray. But they distracted me long enough for the lemur in the flanking position to do what needed to be done. With a blood curdling shriek and a pants shittingly long knife, the Lemur grabbed the back of my head to deliver the death blow.

“MRRRGGGHHHL!*”

I blacked out and woke up in rehab three days later. When I get out though, I’ve got a Nagant1895 and three bullets; One for the lemur who did this to me, one for that fucking pot roast that set me up, and one for the fucking Corn King.

Since the dawn of time, people have sought answers to the big questions, like why are we here? What the fuck is the LHC even supposed to do, and How can I score with a hot Asian chick? Okay, so mostly the last one. And since everyone knows that women are basically just McRib Sandwiches, We’ll focus on mens biggest question; Who the fuck decided to put my nuts outside of my body?
Well little friend, the answer is *drum roll* No one!

See, there are only two possible answer to this conundrum. The first answer makes absolutely no sense, and that is that God (as we all know, a dude) decided that he would make man in his image. Now, ask yourself, if your image involved swinging two squishy sensitive bits about three inches outside of the protective womb that is your pelvis, would you really do that to someone else? Or, like an sane, intelligent designer, would you take those hairy bastards and cram them back where they belong, and then add about two inches of bone plate just to be youdamn sure? So, we can disregard this fallacious theorem.

The Second one involves a total bitch on the rag, otherwise known as Mother Nature. See, what happened was the about 6,000 years ago, when the world began, there were a bunch of hair man-apes rolling around who had sperm that couldn’t survive at body temperature. Why? Who the fuck knows. The important thing is that all of the smart man-apes who left there nuts tucked up where they belonged and wore their bone plates with pride went extinct because their little troops were all gassed to death in the trenches, leaving only retarded, sack-swinging primates to procreate. And, since we all know that monkeys are just as retarded as people (after all, they did let Charlton Heston find out the secret to their Soylent Green,) this appears to be a much more likely explanation.

After all, Occam’s Razor states that the simplest explanation is the best one. And because of evolution, You have your reproductive organs on the outside.

If that’s not proof that god hates you, then it’s sure as shit proof that he doesn’t exist. Pick a side.

Imagine, a cold dreary day in Berlin, April, 1945. An aspiring hand model named Adolph Hitler has had a skin cream campaign spiral out of control. The Soviets, who have tired of his decadence and Jew killing (long story), are banging on the door (metaphorically) and want very much to set him on fire. Nickolas “Squeaky” Davatzes, a failed song and dance man, is drinking away his troubles in a downtown cafe, sipping an herbal gin & tonic, wondering where life will take him. At this point, his choices are between going home, where he has inherited a cable television station from a deranged, time-traveling father, or putting on his Harry S. Truman skin suit to retire to a life of luxury as the V.P. of the U.S. of A., never having to work again as long as the virile FDR stays healthy. While pondering his predicament, a bedraggled Meth head stumbles up, asking if he can borrow any SS troops he might have to spare.

“Why, You’re that old boy Hitler, ain’tcha?” Says a visible aroused Squeaky.
“Ich spreche nicht Englisch!” Hitler responds, confused as to why he left the relative safety of his underground bunker/modeling studio.

Luckily, Squeaky had an English to German translator and quickly ascertained as to what this crazed kraut was shouting about. Through the aid of talking very loudly and slowly, they both soon came to realize that they could help each other. Squeaky agreed to provide free commercial air-time to Siemens, A small hand lotion factory run by Hitlers cousin Carl, in exchange to be allowed to use Hitlers likeness on his station. Hastily signing the contract (there were, after all, incredibly pissed Ruskies trying to hoist him on their petards) Hitler then went back to his underground bunker, certain that things would work out. Of course, as we all know, he was promptly stabbed dead by a deranged hand-model groupie named Eva Braun, later immortalized in the form of an electric shaver.

Squeaky, deciding that the absolute center of WWII was not where he wanted to spend the rest of his spring break, returned home and promptly got about the business of setting up his cable station to play reruns of Hitlers commercials spliced with his routine. Fifty years later, he managed to put together a full 24 hours of content, and has been broadcasting it ever since.

And that’s where the History Channel comes from.

A rare fact about Canada that the liberal media wants to cover up is that in the summer of 1843, the People of the Ottawa Province, in an act of drunken foreign stupidity, elected Tinkles , a wild honey badger (or Mellivora capensis), as the lieutenant governor of their puny region. This desperate move of sub-American intellect was done in the name of freedom loving Canucks everywhere (and also for the Jews, but that was an afterthought.)

However, despite the outward appearance of elbow-licking retardocity, this move proved beneficial. During the French-Indian, when the Indians moved into Ontario in their patent-infringing Panzer tank divisions, Tinkles rose to the occasion, simultaneously inventing the Spencer repeating rifle and the formation of a standing army of no fewer than 20,000 badgers, ready to die for freedom against the oppressive Nazi-Indian Alliance.

But, all was for naught. Proving that even the greatest of men and Mellivora are capable of skull fucking blunders, he led all 20,000 badgers to their doom at the battle of the Badger, Just across from the Kinkos on Wellington. After most cleverly telling all badger to burrow under ground and not to fire on the Indian troops until you could see the red in their skin, he charged forward. After decimating the Indians ranks, He foolishly accepted their commanders offer of a thumb wrestling contest to determine the fate of the Canada,  forgetting the most important detail of all: Badgers don’t have thumbs.

This lead to him having to forfeit the match, leading the rape and pillage of nearly 22 1/2 Canadian shops, pubs and furriers. Because of this, the badgers were forced to cross the border and hid in exile in Wisconsin, which is why there are no badgers in Canada.

Interesting post script: Upon arrival, Tinkles promptly attacked the first Wisconsinite he meet and put him in a headlock until they made him their glorious leader, later renegotiated down to State Mascot and 6% gross international merchandising rights.