This is the face of evil.

There is a new move in the computing world: making computers slower, larger, and more of a pain in the ass to interact with. It’s called the iPad, and apparently, it’s taken the world by storm.

Apparently, the concept of quad-core processors is passe. It’s all about single core now baby! And that fantastic DDR3 RAM you have with the ass whooping power of a thousand suns (ie, 6gb?) Nope, let’s cut that down to 512mb. Hey, remember when you first realized you could mute your porn and listen to something besides the smooth jazz stylings of Sticky McJizzfingers because your computer supported multitasking? You poor sad caveman! In the near future, all computing will be done on hardware that existed ten years ago, with an OS that is hellbent on insulting your intelligence and crippling carpal tunnel syndrome.

The future of computing.

While the iPad does have the added functionality of allowing you to only purchase all your shit from one source, can’t you accomplish the same thing by refusing to shop anywhere but Best Buy? Now granted your pantry will resemble more a server closet than a food pantry, but you’ll be a member of a closed ecosystem that is apparently important to the stability of your electronics.

Welcome to Apple, how may we annoy the shit out of you?

The only thing going for this thing is that it’s portable. Not as portable as say, an iPhone, which fits conveniently in my pocket between a Mars Bar and some loose change, but portable like a laptop. A laptop that has Down Syndrome.

Also doesn't fit in your pocket, also cannot multitask.

Now, before all you fan boys (I’m sure one of my half-dozen or so readers a month use Apple, despite what my Google Analytics information tells me) jump all up on my shit to make me understand that Apple is the Messiah and I’m a dirty, sexy heathen, let’s go over my main point: THIS IS A STEP IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. I’m not saying the iPad (god, I hate that lower case “i”) isn’t a cool idea, but what the fuck Apple?! You already released the iPad. It was called the iPod Touch/iPhone, and it fit in my goddamn pocket! If I want a slow ass laptop with a touch screen, I’ll just buy one of the hundreds of shitty tablets off of fleabay for half of what you’re charging.

And it fits in my pocket.