While shooting up the other day, I received a phone call. I ignored it (you know, because I was strung out.) But, after I came to, I checked my voice mail and was surprised by what I heard. My mother had made pot roast and I had missed it. That was the last straw! I threw my junk in a duffel bag discreetly labeled “PCP” (to throw them off; it was actually heroin) and rushed over to my parents house. I figured I would set fire to the lawn, to show them that it was unacceptable that the time line continued on while I was busy wrestling unicorns and defeating the Corn King in his Kool-Aid Kastle.

An explosion rocked my festiva harder than the Dio tape I had in the stereo.

“FUCK!” It was the Lemurs.

For those of you who don’t live in Africa, there may be some things you don’t realize about Lemurs. They’re bat shit. Like, Imagine one metric ton of bat shit crammed into a four ounce mouse with thumbs. This is the first step to understanding what lemurs are all about. Their thirst for nuts knows no bounds, and they will stop at nothing to gain access to the legumes they crave. Knowing that I was nuttier than squirrel shit, they had timed their attack on my Northeast Wisconsin compound when they knew I was at my most vulnerable; fucked up and alone in a rolling bomb produced by the sexier of the big three, Ford.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my second greatest fear; A lemur with an M67 recoilless rifle and night vision goggles. The goggles were, of course, a decoy. Lemurs can see perfectly due to their ability to use echolocation to find their pray. But they distracted me long enough for the lemur in the flanking position to do what needed to be done. With a blood curdling shriek and a pants shittingly long knife, the Lemur grabbed the back of my head to deliver the death blow.

“MRRRGGGHHHL!*”

I blacked out and woke up in rehab three days later. When I get out though, I’ve got a Nagant1895 and three bullets; One for the lemur who did this to me, one for that fucking pot roast that set me up, and one for the fucking Corn King.