Since the dawn of time, people have sought answers to the big questions, like why are we here? What the fuck is the LHC even supposed to do, and How can I score with a hot Asian chick? Okay, so mostly the last one. And since everyone knows that women are basically just McRib Sandwiches, We’ll focus on mens biggest question; Who the fuck decided to put my nuts outside of my body?
Well little friend, the answer is *drum roll* No one!

See, there are only two possible answer to this conundrum. The first answer makes absolutely no sense, and that is that God (as we all know, a dude) decided that he would make man in his image. Now, ask yourself, if your image involved swinging two squishy sensitive bits about three inches outside of the protective womb that is your pelvis, would you really do that to someone else? Or, like an sane, intelligent designer, would you take those hairy bastards and cram them back where they belong, and then add about two inches of bone plate just to be youdamn sure? So, we can disregard this fallacious theorem.

The Second one involves a total bitch on the rag, otherwise known as Mother Nature. See, what happened was the about 6,000 years ago, when the world began, there were a bunch of hair man-apes rolling around who had sperm that couldn’t survive at body temperature. Why? Who the fuck knows. The important thing is that all of the smart man-apes who left there nuts tucked up where they belonged and wore their bone plates with pride went extinct because their little troops were all gassed to death in the trenches, leaving only retarded, sack-swinging primates to procreate. And, since we all know that monkeys are just as retarded as people (after all, they did let Charlton Heston find out the secret to their Soylent Green,) this appears to be a much more likely explanation.

After all, Occam’s Razor states that the simplest explanation is the best one. And because of evolution, You have your reproductive organs on the outside.

If that’s not proof that god hates you, then it’s sure as shit proof that he doesn’t exist. Pick a side.