There is an epidemic sweeping websites all across the internet. Home page after home page is being abandoned, never to be seen again by their caretakers. Now, as any blue blooded, freedom loving American would tell you, if there’s one thing the American people do, it’s see things through to the end. So what awesome force, what conniving menace could pull so many otherwise funny, talented, and dedicated people away from their blogs, vlogs and… uh… mlogs? I recently had a soul shattering experience that would answer just that question. Here is a transcript of the fateful month, as read by James Earl Jones (it’s heavenly. You should be sitting here with me as he reads it over my shoulder.)

Day 1: It has been zero days since the impending ninja/pirate attack. I am totally unawares of its existence, and can think of nothing other than devoting my time to my blog.

Day 2: OH SHIT!

Day 3: After being dragged forcibly away from my keyboard, the Ninja/Pirates (from here on abbreviated as “Cheney’s”) throw me bodily in their brig/whatever-the-fuck-a-ninja-brig-is.

Day 6: The hunger begins to set in as I suspect that the Cheney’s may have been lying when they said they would be right back with a burger and some fries.

Day 9: I am propositioned by a rat. He says that if I let him live in my hat, I can escape from the ship and win the heart of the Sous-chef I love.

Day 9 1/2: Get tired of the little fucker pulling on my hair. Step on him and eat the remains.

Day 15: After regaining consciousness from an all-night lack of food fest, I decide to use one of the guns I brought with. I’ve had enough of this shit, and my loyal fans are waiting.

Day 15 (again): I don’t really have a gun. I started to cry and the Head Cheney slapped me like a bitch.

Day 28: My editor (read: mom) finally agrees to pay them my rent for the month of February, and they release me. I now have… Aww fuck! My rent’s due tomorrow! Shit shit shit….

And that is how web blogs die.