Let’s face it; living in an apartment fucking sucks. You’ve got at a bare minimum one common wall, and if you’re really lucky, you’ve got three common walls, one of which is the common wall for the side door that people stomp in and out of at the strangest hours (What the fuck is a 7:00 am?!) Life gets even better when you live across from an Ethnic Food Enthusiast: Whether it be a college student living on chinese food, or someone who must be making enough beans to feed a small city-state, the stench of other peoples food fucking up your meager ramen and stale bread diet will haunt you forever. There’s no reason for my twinkie binges to taste like fois gras, but dammit, they do. So, with all of these set backs, you might be asking yourself, “What possible reason could he give that would make me want to move into a cramped, 350 square foot apartment that smells like burritos and despair?” Well my conveniently narrative friend, I have three words for you: Constant Protein Source.

See, I’ve always been a realist; It’s not if we have to resort to cannibalism, it’s when, and I’ve got news for you. You know those kids and wife and dog you love so much and walk and pet and hump (in no particular order?) Yeah, I’m way less attached to them than you, and I’ve been waiting for a chance to gnaw me some meat off them bones for a while now. But, more importantly than my own perverse leanings, when WWZ goes down, the zombies are going to be on the hunt for the peoples. This is a reality that you cannot avoid. To help give me the upper hands, I’ve surrounded myself with an enormous amount of old people for the simple reason that they’re slow, easy to spot, and take forever to chew. Honestly, knowing all this, I don’t know how anyone could even want to live in a real people house.

Plus, I don’t pay for heat.